If there is someone in your life who you can’t stop thinking about, reflect intensely on the way you feel around them: What parts of you come alive, as if from a coma? What characteristics or behaviors of that person knock you off your feet? How are those things like you or unlike you? The passion and obsession felt for the object of the crush is really a longing for that part of ourselves. The more we try to move away from the unacknowledged part, the more deliciously alluring it becomes-like a freshly baked cookie placed before a child forbidden to eat sweets. When we cut something off and compartmentalize it, or turn away from this dormant part to prioritize other aspects of the self, we don’t get enough of whatever that part craves or expresses. Let’s look at what constructive directions a lovelorn obsession can present: You’ve Got a Crush…On YourselfĬrushes often signal a projection of a dormant part of our own psyche-a part that has been buried or suppressed. This holds true even if you have a romantic partner when a crush strikes-so don’t panic, a crush doesn’t necessarily indicate that your current partner is wrong for you. They can awaken our libidinal selves or otherwise add excitement, and provide inner space for autonomy in highly relational, structured lives. They can help us re-connect with a part of ourselves that we have been neglecting (or actively suppressing). The upside of intense crushes is that they can be a creatively compelling source of growth and self-understanding. These persistent and sometimes destructive infatuations are rooted in unmet needs: They are a forceful combination of the unconscious wishes and desires we have neglected and our desperation to be fully known and expressed. “Don’t panic, a crush doesn’t necessarily indicate that your current partner is wrong for you.” Perhaps you neglected real-life commitments to be available for your crush, or you intruded upon others’ lives because your obsession careened out of control. You may have violated your values to pursue your crush, or given more of yourself than is healthy to them because you were desperate to be in their company. If you’ve ever been in the throes of a crush, you may have come to see your crush as savior-like, and to believe that having this person in your life might solve all your problems. Eros stretches his cherubic little bow, and, seemingly out of nowhere, someone becomes the object of our fascination-sometimes, to an unreasonable, insatiable degree. But crushes aren’t just for high school they have no age limit, and none of us are immune. In the teen years, hormones-along with an intense need for mirroring-create the perfect storm for heart-wrenching attraction. The Anatomy of a Crushīy Jennifer Freed, Ph.D. Below, with her writing partner Melissa Lowenstein, Freed explores the meaning of an adult crush, and what to do the next time one strikes. Freed says that crushes have a lot to tell us about ourselves-she sees them as rooted in our own unmet needs-and that they can actually serve to kick-start our mojo, even if we never act on them. argues there’s no harm in harboring a crush it doesn’t mean you’re reverting to your teenage self or that your current relationship (if you’re in one) is doomed. But psychological astrologer Jennifer Freed, Ph.D. he/she is a coworker or you’re already in a committed relationship and “shouldn’t” have a crush in the first place. Crushing on someone (at any age) can feel equal parts awkward and exciting, particularly when you’re in deep, can’t stop thinking about them for the life of you, and/or the subject of your desire feels like forbidden territory-i.e.
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